Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

Just a reminder to all, let's keep the jokes within reasonable personal tolerance levels. Lets not make someone else feel uncomfortable.
 
Burning couch on the nature strip? I laughed so hard when I read that - but probably not for the reason it was intended (I still had your comment about Bondi Centrelink office in my head Art ;) ). What's the story?

bmcgeeny - it's a New Zealand accent thing.
 
Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.
Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us.

I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Well... yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.
 
Two Ozzies, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Queenstown. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and wheeen we get buck toe Sidknee, we could make a fortune.
Now wan we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lut me do all the talking cause ef they hear our accunt, they might not be nice to us.

I'll speak in my bust Keewwwe

'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fefty suits it $10.00 each, 100 shirts it $4.00 each, and fefty pairs of trousers it $5.00 each. I'll bick up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Australia, aren't you?'

'Well... yus,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hull ded you know thit?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.
 
mrpackethead said:
Two Ozzies, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Queenstown. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and wheeen we get buck toe Sidknee, we could make a fortune.
Now wan we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lut me do all the talking cause ef they hear our accunt, they might not be nice to us.

I'll speak in my bust Keewwwe

'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fefty suits it $10.00 each, 100 shirts it $4.00 each, and fefty pairs of trousers it $5.00 each. I'll bick up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Australia, aren't you?'

'Well... yus,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hull ded you know thit?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.
Click to expand...

Hey MPH, that was funny.
 
this must be one of my all time favourite:
A bear go going into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman, not fazed at all takes one look at the bear and in a kind of gentle almost motherly tone says to the bear, "sorry mate we don't serve bears here.
at this a bear throws down his fist and raising his voice, orders a beer.
Again the barman in a firmer voice says "Sorry can No do mate, we don't serve bears that yell here"
The bear is insenced at such a discriminatory atttitude, grabs the barman and in an enraged voice and at the point of total suffication says "I'll have a Bl...y beer" and releases the barman.
Dazed the barman staggers around behind the bar, gasping for air, gaining his senses. standing to his full height and stepping back out of reach, he replies in a feeble voice "No! we won't serve angry yelling bears"
well as you can image the bear started to hit out out at everything is close proximity. eventually his anger gets the better of him and he chews the corner of the bar and yells "Give me a b.....y beer".
the barman, yells back at the bear MATE, WE DON'T SELL BEER TO ANGRY BEARS THAT YELL AND DO DRUGS!"
Suddenly all is pin drop quiet and the bear is total stumped. he cocks his head to one side, look at the barman and asks "What drugs?"
the barman says "I saw the bar bit u ate.


Enjoy
matt :cool:
 
This Investment Advice came in yesturday

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago,
drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the
recycling REFUND in S.A, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink
heavily and recycle.:cool:
 
How do you get a Kiwi into a small business

Put him in a big one and wait

Sorry if someone has already posted that one, i skipped a couple of pages.....
 
its been a while since someone stirred the pot - so here goes:

A jackaroo arrives in NZ for the first time, and visits a local sheep saleyard.
Standing on the boards admiring the quality of the sheep on auction and, not knowing much about newzealanders, turns to the fella next to him asking
"Hey Bloke! So how do you guys shear your sheep here?"

The whole place goes instantly silent and glares at him
The guy responds..
"Eh Bro, we dun't share our sheep wi' no-one eh?"
 
A forlorn Kiwi is standing on Bondi looking out to sea when he spies a bottle washing in the surf. he picks it up and the top falls off the bottle and a genie appears, " i am a very young genie" it says "so you only get the one wish" hmmm thinks the forlorn Kiwi "i wish there was a bridge between here and New Zealand" he exclaims in an excited voice. there is silence from the genie, after a while the genie says " as i told you i am a very young genie and there are some things i just can not achive at the moment, perhaps you could wish for something else?". Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm goes the Kiwi " i wish i knew how women think" he says with more excitment than before. There is more silence from the genie which last's for a fair time. the genie then turns to the Kiwi and ask's "just how many lane's would you like on this bridge?"
 
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
 
One that passed my desk today:

Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bullsh1tting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".
 
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